A
Abstinence
Going without things.
Recovering alcoholics are said to be abstaining from alcohol but not for the pleasure of it, for them the pleasure comes from the sobriety which follows. Other people do get pleasure from denying themselves pleasure, fasting is a popular pastime in many religions, though one suspects that has more to do with the feast that follows. Unfortunately the feast that follows is not a luxury the recovering alcoholic can afford. ‘Abstemious’ is also a description a barrister will give of his client’s lifestyle, even when the said client spends a lot of his life falling down, so it is obviously considered a good things in the eyes of society. And finally, of course, it is one of those substitutes for an understanding of the requirements of a religion. It seems that some people seem to think that God wants us to have a really rotten time, and only when we’re miserable can we be on Her side.
Academic
A clever person.
Frequently an academic is one who makes a living from being clever rather than from something interesting like driving a bus or cleaning toilets. An academic is also a person who can write about eroticism and make it sound boring, or a person who takes Shakespeare seriously. You would never hear an academic saying that Romeo just wanted a leg over with Juliet, rather he would be looking for the deep religious and political significance of two teenagers getting randy. It follows then that he is one who frequently forgets that the majority of the population are seeking entertainment rather than enlightenment. Finally, and on the up side, the description can be used as a defence against the accusation of homosexuality for men who’s brains are not situated in their genitals.
Accent
(1) A heavy emphasis.
(2) A style of speech.
In fact the two are the same. Whatever people may say about a classless society the size of the salary cheque at the end of the month is still a good indication of the speech patterns of the person who draws that cheque.
Accident
Something which should not happen.
An accident is similar to an act of God but one for which She can not be held responsible. So then, if you drop a hammer on your toe then it is definitely your responsibility, you should be more careful, but if a tree falls on your head then that is Her department because you can’t be expected to spend your life propping up trees.
Accountant
A person who looks after the financial affairs of others.
For some reason most accountants are men, have you ever noticed that? And basically an accountant is a priest who wears a collar and tie, an acolyte of the one great religion money. He is also a man who thinks that The Financial Times is marginally more interesting than The Sun, which says a lot for his outlook on life.
Act of God
An act not committed by mortal man, and even less likely to be committed by mortal woman.
This brings us to the problem that so many of you have with your God; you believe that She loves you but then you think She is capable of doing something nasty like dropping that tree on your head. In fact what we are talking about is an accident for which the insurance company does not want to take responsibility. That is a different ball game because insurance companies have never had faith in the benevolence of God, which is why they are quoted on the Stock Exchange and She is not.
Addiction
An ongoing, and single minded, desire for something.
Consuming anything, or participating in anything, to a greater extent than your neighbour in other words. And what we are looking at here is the often difficult distinction between what you like, what you want, and what you need. A good example of addiction would be an inability to switch off the television, even when the only things on television are American situation comedies, which is something non of us needs. Addiction is also a very subjective definition. Your neighbour when he takes just one more drink than you but if you fall down at the end of the session then you merely have a drink problem. An alcoholic then is any person who takes a drink when you can not, or can not afford to. An alcoholic then is a self medicated psychopath, or a person you do not like even though they may drink less than you. Finally an alcoholic, or any addict come to that, is a person who only ever uses their first name at a meeting.
Administrator
One who co-ordinates the work of others.
There is a litany which holds that those who can do, and those who can’t teach, and those who can not teach become administrators. In an age where the technology required to do things is growing by the day, and even the knowledge needed to teach those things is growing, the administrator takes refuge by creating his or her own little kingdom. The administrator is the one who calls for a meeting when others are calling to get things done. The administrator is the one who frequently needs to go on leave, or go off sick, because of the pressure of the work that other people are doing. Not to be confused with director but often the same as manager. see also worker.
Adoption
Voluntarily take responsibility for something or someone.
In family matters it is a system of child rearing where, in theory, the child gets the parents it deserves and needs rather than those it was born with.
Advertising
Promoting goods or services for sale.
An excuse for showing soft porn on television, or an art form for those who can afford more than one loaf of bread per day. Most often it is a case of justifying the unjustifiable. Advertising copywriters, the men and women who create the adverts, they like to think of themselves as creative artists but here is a dichotomy creative artists do not exist to tell the truth. Trust me, I know, I am one.
Advice
Suggestions to another person on how to deal with a problem.
In other words, directions to another person on how to avoid the mistakes that you yourself make. Giving advice is not a nice thing to do since it always puts you in a superior position, you as the competent person while the recipient is the incompetent one. Giving advice comes somewhere on the spectrum between teaching and administration, another alternative to actually doing something. If you are going to give anything at all then give up, leave it to the other person to find their own solutions, which are always the best solutions because they are the ones you can not be blamed for. Not to be confused with counselling which is also advising people to do something you would not do yourself.
Aftershave
A spirit based perfume applied to the face after shaving.
As an integral part of the male mating ritual it is therefore the subject of much erotic advertising on television. It is also a man’s way of marking personal boundaries, similar to a dog pissing on a lamppost, but not always smelling as good. Wearing aftershave is one of those excuses for men to wear perfume without facing the accusation of being gay. Men who wear beards do not have that excuse and have to face the consequences if they go out wearing Chanel No 5.
Agenda
A list of topics to be discussed at a meeting. A time scale measured in units of boredom. A weapon of the administrators to defeat those who dare to have original thoughts. Not to be confused with personal agenda.Aggression
A premeditated act which will cause hurt or embarrassment to another person or country.
This can cover everything from invading a country you do not like to shouting at people you do not like. In each case the common factor is that the victim is expected to take responsibility for your actions. If you invade a country you tell the population it is their fault because they have the wrong kind of leader, or the wrong political system, but not that they have a surplus of oil which you want to get your greedy hands on. If you beat up a football supporter you tell him it is because he is wearing the wrong colour shirt, not because you have an excess of testosterone and the only way for you to believe it is to put him in hospital. Aggression is one extreme of the trilogy which includes passivity and assertiveness. It is the not so nice extreme and is therefore considered a male pastime, closely related to beer and football. See also anger.
Agnostic
One who is uncertain, or indifferent, concerning the existence of God.
Someone who might have belief, had they not recognised the damage done to religion by the religious. Agnostics are sometimes accused of being lazy when it comes to religious matters but they would argue that She doesn’t put Herself out much to contact them either. Not to be confused with atheist.
Angst
An extreme form of worry.
A middle class excuse for not doing things like washing the dishes or mowing the lawn. Creative people often suffer from angst because it sounds much better than simply worrying about where the next idea is coming from but then, again, creative people are often middle class anyway. If you actually worry about things like the washing up then you probably have a simple obsession with hygiene which sounds nowhere near as interesting.
Alcohol
A poisonous and addictive substance.
The first thing to notice is that, although it is sold legally, and taxed highly, it carries no Government health warning the way that cigarettes do so obviously there are a lot of vested interests here. Alcohol is the most popular addiction in the Western World and plays a major part in Christianity, the major religion of The Western World. One of the miracles of the man Jesus was to turn water into wine, a far greater miracle would be to turn alcoholics back into sober people. See also abstinence.
Allergy
An unpleasant physical reaction to certain types of food or drugs.
Allergies have become very popular in the past fifty years but in truth they are a subtle evolutionary means of restricting conspicuous consumption in the First World. People in the Third World, as a whole, do not have allergies, mostly because they can’t afford the offending food or drugs in the first place.
Amateur
Someone who does something for the love of it.
In sport this has become a player who is paid for not being a professional. In the theatre it is an actor who wont take the risk of going professional, or an actress who can’t get work as a nude model. In everything else it is a term of extreme abuse, on a par with alcoholic. It is a pity since amateur sportspeople tend to be more healthy than people who watch sport while amateur thespians are those who have found a viable alternative to television.
America
An extremely large, and rich, country in the Western Hemisphere.
A country which believes in God, though probably against Her wishes. According to popular (American) culture it is the land where the Native Americans should not have been in the first place, which is why it had to be taken from them by free men. It is a known fact that the Americans ‘invented’ television, Coca-Cola, Macdonald’s hamburgers and the Disney Corporation, so the rest of the world doesn’t have a great deal to thank them for either.
Anarchist
One who believes that people can live without governments.
Given that so many people spend so much time trying to get the Government off their backs it comes as some surprise to find that anarchists are often abused for their beliefs. The people who try to get the government of their backs are mostly respectable while anarchy is synonymous with hooliganism and antisocial behaviour. Mind you, that could make your neighbour an anarchist when s/he is throwing a party to which you have not been invited. See also rabble.
Anecdote
(1) A short and often amusing narrative.
(2) an often apocryphal story.
When used in discussion it is the last defence of the non functioning intellect, the cliché which takes the place of reasoned argument. More often it is a story concerning the amount of alcohol a male politician or media personality can consume, or what a female rock star does with chocolate bars. It a means by which a journalist can flout the libel laws, provided he can prove he was not the one to make it up. See also raconteur.
Anger
An extreme emotional reaction to something said or done by another person.
Not to be confused with aggression, which is the doing rather than the thinking. Most of us have something which makes us angry and most of us take a pride in it because it can be positive. We even call it justified anger when it comes to the doings of politicians and as a result we stop voting for them. When you come down to it, it’s one of the few proofs of your own existence; if you aren’t getting angry then you aren’t getting anything.
Anonymous
Written by an author who is not known.
In theory, an author who creates otherwise embarrassing work. In respect of politics, the Government, the Civil Service or the media or big business; this would be any statement by any person who is powerful enough not to be named. Anonymous is also that which an addict becomes when s/he seeks a cure for the condition by joining with other known addicts, though they do tend to talk about it an awful lot.
Anti social behaviour
Doing things which the rest of society does not like you doing.
This means it is not the kind of behaviour you would expect from the middle classes, who are ‘society’. Anti social behaviour is drinking on the street but not on a café terrace, it is burning the leaves in your garden but not the refuse which the dustmen forgot to collect, it is singing bawdy songs at a rugby match but not at a football match. More recently it has become a minor crime which permits young people to be taken to court on purely anecdotal evidence. It makes one wonder what kind of society it is we are protecting here.
Anus
The anatomical region through which all animals dispose of waste material.
The human anatomical region which becomes the butt of most middle class anger.
Armed forces
The legally constituted army of a state or nation.
In practice this means Government employees who are paid more, and cost more to maintain, than teachers or nurses or social workers. They are men who put on makeup before they go out and kill other men, or women, or children but if they are killed themselves then they become a hero.
Art
Just about any creative activity.
As an activity; unacceptable behaviour once it has been given status. As a contradiction; something which people know very little about when they do know what they like, and are willing to discuss it at length. As an assumption; something rarely seen on cable television.
Artistic temperament
The mental or emotional condition which allows one to be creative.
In men this means being limp wristed but not yet out as gay. In children it means the ability to throw a bowel of mushy food halfway across the kitchen without fear of parental retribution. I haven’t found anything for women yet but then, as you might have noticed, I have more sympathy for women than I do for men and children.
Articulate
The ability to speak clearly.
There are some who say that articulate is what you could become when you have picked up the bottle and others have not. That may be so but the trouble is you are speaking a foreign language, which misses the whole point. The truth is that you become articulate when no one is interrupting you, when in fact you are talking to yourself. Try it first in an empty room then go onto writing speeches for EU politicians, you’ll be surprised how well it works.
Assertiveness
Being authoritative, knowing what you want.
For those who put so much store on self improvement, it is the acceptable art of getting your own way without threatening violence or suicide. For a woman it is a much more pleasant way of getting her own way than the male practice of aggression. See also passivity.
Astrology
The study of the relationship between celestial bodies and human behaviour.
Astrology is best thought of as astronomy with a sense of fun, or the twelve column inches of print around which so many tabloid newspapers and pretty coloured magazines are constructed. It has no basis in Christianity, is in fact one of the pagan belief systems, but it is still taken as gospel by a hell of a lot of Christians.
Atheist
One who refuses to accept the existence of God, or any of Her creations.
On the face of it an agnostic with balls. An atheist is anyone who insists on knowing where Cain and Abel’s wives came from, or who suspects that Noah was the world’s first travel agent. Atheists deny that they have a religion then spend so much time denying it that they have to construct a belief system to support that denial. They would be better off doing what the agnostic do and simply ignore the whole thing. God wouldn’t mind, if She created everything then she must have created the concepts of agnosticism as atheism as well.
Attitude
A response to a situation.
In general our attitude is an excuse for other people not to like us. This is because it is being honest about other people without the excuse of being drunk at the time. It is also being assertive when other people think you are being aggressive; such as in one’s dealings with a partner, or boss, or clerk at the DHSS.
Auction
A form of selling which involves more than one potential customer.
A sales technique which would have saved many artists or craftsmen from poverty, had they thought of it at the time. Also a means of ensuring that the general public will never be able to afford works of art, large bulls, or horses with very thin legs.
Audit
A review of a situation.
An overt and aggressive act against an accountant, or an overt and aggressive act by an accountant. As a means of establishing the true facts it is somewhat similar to reading The Bible as a source of history.
Autobiography
An account of one’s own life.
Usually it is a first, and sometimes only, work of fiction by one who would never dream of calling themselves a creative writer. It can also be a pre-emptive strike on the part of a media personality, which would make it a good source of income for libel lawyers. Finally it is often a narrative work which begs the question; why did the author not commit suicide earlier?
