B
Back burner
The rear part of a cooker, which is usually considered to be the coolest, and therefore the slowest when it comes to cooking.
In recent years, putting something on the back burner has come to mean the same as taking a rain cheque on it, another euphemism for putting off till tomorrow something you wont want to do then either. The back burner then is the place to put things which you have not prepared earlier.
Bad weather
Meteorological conditions which include rain, snow, sleet, hail or plagues of frogs.
Bad weather is good conversation material at any time of the year, or God’s fault if you are a football manager, or man’s fault if you live in a rain forest. It is something which is never the responsibility of the insurance company but it is the reason why England does not have a decent cricket team or a world class tennis player.
Ballet
A dramatic narrative told with music and dance rather than words.
A dance form where everyone is beautiful and no one is certain. It has always been assumed that men who take up ballet, like men who take up nursing, will be gay. The same assumption is not made for women, in either instance, so perhaps women are seen as being more sensitive, and that is a primary requirement in both cases. Not to be confused with dance per se.
Balls
(1) Spherical objects which are used in a variety of games.
(2) A euphemism for the male testicles.
Given the above it is surprising to find that a woman is said to have balls when she is being assertive, but not when she is making love.
Barefoot
Going without shoes.
This activity is sometimes seen as being indicative of having a free spirit while the spirit itself is often said to be located somewhat higher up the body. The man Jesus would have certainly have gone barefoot though very few of his followers have chosen to follow his example.
Barefoot doctor
One who uses natural medicines and traditional form of treatment.
In a Third World country this would be a healer who uses drugs which cost less than those marketed by the drug companies. In a First World country it is an alternative practitioner who uses natural medicines which cost as much, if not more, than those marketed by the drug companies.
Barrister
A legal professional who specialises in advocacy.
A barrister has been called a lawyer with a funny hairstyle, or a liar with a good income, but either way they are the ones who make a drama out of the dry dust of legal proceedings.
Bastard
(1) A type of rough file.
(2) A person born out of wedlock.
Bastard was once considered a term of abuse for children born out of wedlock, now it is a term of endearment for older drinking friends. For that we can thank the Americans while the name of the file remains the same.
Beard
Facial hair.
There is a suspicion that beards are worn by men who wish to be taken seriously but they could just be a statement that razors cost too much.
Bedroom
The room in which one sleeps.
Given that it should be possible to make love just about anywhere up the side of a mountain, on the garage roof, in a bath full of Guinness the bedroom still seems to be the most popular location for sexual activity and for that reason the word has taken on a double meaning; the place where one sleeps and the place where one does not because one has other things on one’s mind. By the same token lovers are said to be sleeping together when in truth they are doing a lot of other things apart from sleeping.
Bedroom door
A specific door, either found on the first floor of a multi story house or at the rear of a single story house.
A door behind which sex is said to occur. It may be decorated in delicate shades of pink and blue, or farmhouse rustic, but it now becomes a pleasing point of no return for lovers, or a line of dots for writers of romantic fiction.
Beer
A drink made from hops, yeast and barley.
Firstly let it be said that beer is an alcoholic beverage which is never bought but only ever rented, as anyone who has spent any time in a pub toilet will know. Secondly it has long been an excuse for men with large stomachs and/or beards to hold festivals and have erudite conversations. Finally, and according to the middle classes, it is the drink of preference of the working classes whilst according to those same working classes it is now a poor alternative to warm lager.
Belief
The confidence that something is true, even when there is no evidence to prove that it is true.
Belief in this sense is religious belief rather than the suspicion that the pub on the corner sells the worst beer in the world, or that summers get shorter as we get older. And if people can protest too much they can also speak too long or loudly on a given topic. So then, among those who claim to have (religious) belief, it could well be something that never existed in the first place, not if they have to keep talking about it like that.
Best
A superlative, better than anything else.
As a race we are obsessed with superlatives. Everything has to be ‘better’, or ‘the best’, or it has no meaning for us. It is a mostly subjective judgement when you consider that the best football player in the world could still be living in the Amazonian rain forests and has never heard of Manchester United.
Best friend
A friend you have had for a long time, and in whom you have implicit trust.
On the other hand it could be one who assumes the right to insult you publicly, or someone you have not got round to marrying, or someone you can never get round to having sex with. In truth it is possibly the person you were ashamed to be seen with when you were at school.
Best practice
The standard of performance by which organisations are supposedly judged.
Most often it is the most boring and tedious way of doing any job and is certainly not popular in commercial organisations where it does tend to cut the profit margins.
Best seller
A book which sells a large number of copies.
That book which is judged by the quantity that it sells rather than the quality of it’s writing. The best seller is actually any form of bad literature which has been elevated to the mundane, or anything written by a politician which admits to being a work of fiction, or any book written by a woman who’s sister still insists on taking her clothes off in public.
Bible
The The core religious work of all Christians, irrespective of their denomination.
It is difficult not to be cynical about a book which has been translated, often badly, so many times yet is still taken as empirical evidence by many, by those who hang on to every last full stop and coma. In fact it is easy to see why The Bible is so popular with the fundamentalists. If they cling to the words, without looking at the broader tenets which are so difficult to live by, then they can lay claim to belief without having to put that belief into practice. In conclusion let us say that The Bible is, for some, a best seller about a man with a beard and long hair while for others it is a poet’s attack on the doctrine of empirical evidence.
Bigot
A highly prejudiced person.
Bigots, like certain Christians, are another group who have no need of empirical evidence. The one will say ‘I am white therefore this is a fact.’ while the other will say ‘I believe in Christ and therefore this is a fact.’ It would be fine, if only they didn’t hurt so many other people while they were saying it. And the one point where the two groups differ is that the bigot will never admit it while the Christian admits is all too often.
Biodegradable
Made of a material which will rot and therefore not clog up the ecosystem.
Paper is a biodegradable material so, thankfully, all junk male and tabloid newspapers are made of biodegradable materials.
Birth
The start of everything, for all of us.
In general birth is a life event which rarely measures up to life itself, where we do at least have some choice. Birth and death have this much in common, they are the two events in our life where we have absolutely no choice. At birth this lack of choice is further compounded by the fact that we acquire parents, sometimes even siblings, again without be asked if this is what we wish. And we are expected to celebrate the event every year, as if it were something we had achieved. It gives the impression that it is yet another of God’s reminders that She is still in charge.
Bitch
A female of the canine species.
That may be so, but it is also a term of insult. It is a woman if she wont sleep with a man. It is a man if he is sleeping with another man. Maybe it would be best if we stuck with the original, a female dog who knows what she is.
Black
The absence of all colour.
Black is most often associated with things that are not good, and white with things that are, which is why so many of the world’s population suffer because of their skin colour.
Black coffee
Coffee with no milk or cream added.
For some of us, those who get up at the crack of dawn rather than the crack of midday, it is a sacramental beverage and we further console ourselves with the fact that we are doing a kindness to cows.
Black magic
Traditionally the magic of the Devil.
Magic in general is a difficult area for those of strong religious belief. It shouldn’t exist, not in the presence of an omnipotent God, but people want something that is going to change their lives, something more reliable than the National Lottery, so they return to a belief in magic, white or black. The trouble is that white magic is mostly about dancing naked at dawn and that can be very uncomfortable if you are over fifty. This magic on the other hand promises black candles, and red hot sex, and no age limitations. And finally, of course, there is a popular brand of chocolates.
Blind date
A sexual assignation arranged by a third party.
Most humans have an irrational desire to spend the greater part of their lives in the company of just one other human rather than going out and meeting the rest of the world. The process of finding the perfect mate is fraught with difficulties so it is not surprising that some humans delegate the responsibility to others. The whole process was once turned into a television show which, despite it’s sexual innuendo, tended to suggest that the whole process was somewhat boring. Meanwhile the rest of the world remains a reasonably interesting place.
Blood
A viscous scarlet liquid which is essential to the healthy running of the human body.
A liquid which is greatly valued by the upper classes where it is used to draw lines on family trees, or despised by all classes when it is the carrier of bad influences. Blood is also a life giving, or life supporting, fluid which is never valued by the Jehovah’s Witnesses who take every word in The Bible as being true.
Blood brother
One with whom you have an extremely strong bond.
There appears to be no such institution as the blood sister so we must surmise that the blood brother is a man who is not always a sibling, but who does like cutting his wrist. See also brother.
Body language
A scientific discipline aimed at analysing behaviour.
The body itself is a collection of biodegradable parts but it is controlled by an organ which does have a sentient existence, the brain, so it follows that there should be a language through which it can communicate. In theory body language is the gaining of an understanding of a person’s intentions, emotions or motives through the observation of their immediate physical actions. In practice it is voyeurism for an academic.
Bonding
Bringing together in close union.
In general women do not seem to need to bond, they either co-operate with each other or they do not. In general women are not afraid of embracing each other, even in public. Men do need to bond. They have so little history of working together for a common good that they have to go through special rituals just to show that they have come to an agreement. They embrace each other. Now that is all very nice but embracing is not co-operating, as any woman will tell you. Embracing is simply not being afraid of the person who is facing you. Men have a long way to go, that is for sure.
Book
A sheaf of papers which have been bound together to preserve them.
Books are a fairly recent innovation in the history of mankind. They have only been around for a few hundred years but their impact, when they first appeared, must have been as great as that of the personal computer in the Twentieth Century. Basically a book can be described as a database which requires no power supply or VDU. In reality it becomes a semi permanent record of the embarrassing statements made by an author. Some books are prized items, not because of the contents but because of the cover. All books are items which can be lost through lending.
Booker Prize
A literary prize.
A substantial cash award for the work of fiction least likely to be read in any given year and therefore never likely to become a best seller.
Boredom
The state of not being excited or stimulated.
Boredom is not strictly a physical or mental illness. It is a matter of personal choice, is lethargy raised to a higher level. Boredom is hearing about another person’s enjoyment of an event, book, film, play etc when you lack the energy to partake in any of those things. Boredom is a state in which watching television becomes exhausting and intellectually challenging.
Boss
The person with overall control of a group of workers.
There was a time when the boss liked to think he was God then he discovered, as a man, he had little chance of ever realising that ambition. Now the boss is an employer who likes to think he is on first name terms with his employees.
Bottle
A glass container which can be either green or brown.
Lots of good things come in bottles, life saving medicines for instance, or extra virgin olive oil, but so does alcohol so the bottle takes the blame for that one. The bottle then an artefact which grants no satisfaction until it is empty, and scant satisfaction once it is empty.
Brain
The organic computer which controls the human body.
There is often confusion between ‘mind’ and ‘brain’, the one being the manifestation of the other, but it remains a fact that one or the other is the seat of the cognitive process. The brain is the organ where the chemical reaction starts so that makes the brain the only organ of the body which thinks it can understand itself and, as such, becomes the centre of all that confusion.
Bravery
A condition of having no fear.
For a man to be endowed with bravery is akin to being endowed with a large penis, which makes it a difficult subject for most other men to discuss. For those who do not posses it bravery is a condition which expires five minutes before the thing which has to be done, has to be done. The consolation, for those who do not posses it, is that for those who do it most often results in self sacrifice in the service of those who are in power.
Bridge
(1) A span across a river, road, railway line etc.
(2) a card game.
A mechanical device for crossing troubled waters or a social device for creating troubled waters.
Broken ankle
A fracture of the joint connecting the foot to the leg.
The only possible reason for wearing carpet slippers.
Brother
A male sibling.
If we do not choose our parents then we certainly do not choose our siblings and nowhere is this more true than in the case of male siblings. In Biblical terms the brother is the subject of the question as to who keeps whom. In political terms he represents the belief that the person you are addressing may agree with you. In terms of family dynamics he is the one who first teaches the female siblings the meaning of abuse. Similar to blood brother but not as messy.
