C
Cable television
Television which does not receive pictures via the ether.
At the start of the Twentieth Century no one owned a television, or if they did they had nothing to watch on it, or if they thought they were watching something on it then they had serious problems. By the end of the Twentieth Century the right to own a television was considered on a par with other basic human rights and those who did not own one, by choice, became the heretics. Like all new religions television went through a phase of rapid expansion which was not always in the interests of quality. The best example of this is cable television which can carry so many channels, has so many possibilities, but only shows sport and soft pornography. Cable television is to communications what St Paul was to Christianity, that which destroys a good idea by spreading it too thinly. Do not confuse with closed circuit television.
Camping
Living under canvas.
Or sleeping with a sore back, which is what you get when you sleep under canvas. Or walking with a limp wrist, which has nothing whatever to do with sleeping under canvas.
Car
A mode of transport with a wheel at each corner.
If ownership of a television has become a human right in most of the First World, and likewise the gun in America, then the same has become true of the car. The difference is that televisions don’t kill, unless by terminal boredom, but guns and cars do, in roughly equal measure. The truth is that the car is a masculine status symbol which costs more than a penis and is, arguably, even less reliable. It is an extrinsic symptom of dysfunction in humans which initially manifests itself in extremely aggressive behaviour and, eventually, paralyses the lower limbs.
Carpet
Floor covering.
An Oriental tapestry which some people walk on. An ordinary mat which some people sweep emotions under.
Cat
A small feline often kept as a pet.
Some people like dogs, other people like cats. Those who likes dogs say they are faithful. Those who likes cats say they are independent. There is not a lot of difference really, they are both the subject of gushing affection but in the end a cat is a psychopath in a fur coat.
Catalogue
A list of goods offered for sale by a company.
There was a time when we got everything we needed from the market, or our neighbours, and often by means of barter, and always with the opportunity to see and touch the goods first. That was not good news for those who would become the retail industry. They were the middle men, and they did not want to be cut out before they even started so first they gave us the shop where you could look but not touch, then the superstore where sometimes you couldn’t even look, and finally the catalogue, a form of shopping where you don’t get the chance to look at or feel the goods at all. And what is a catalogue? Well basically it is a very large book which is normally sent to a mother but, since it contains pictures of women in their underwear, is of primary interest to her son.
Celibacy
Voluntary abstention from sexual activity.
The basic instinct for sex, once it is related to the instinct for procreation, is recognised and accepted by most religions. Take away the need for procreation and sex on it’s own becomes a sin, or so say most religions without always being able to say why. So celibacy is an avoidance of sin, is it? It may also be a lack of opportunity couched in religious terms, or a wise career move for a woman, or even the guarantee of a good night’s sleep.
Censorship
The compulsory editing of material to ensure that it conforms with political, religious or ethical standards.
The first artists sat in caves. They painted with what came to hand, and they didn’t wear much in the way of clothes so they didn’t depict their models wearing much in the way of clothes either. A combination of bad weather and religiously inspired prudishness put a stop to all that. Now wearing clothes because it is cold makes sense, but wearing them because your church says you must does not, and not a few artists rebelled against the later. So thus was the need for censorship born, the symptom of cultural paranoia, which became a justification for voyeurism by those in authority, and finally the inadvertent promotion of otherwise unacceptable ideas.
Centre of excellence
An institution with very high standards.
The most debilitating concept devised by the modern political system is that of competition. Because an institution comes top of a table means only that it has learned how to get to the top of the table, not that it has learned how to do anything of value on the way, like the thing it should be doing if it wasn’t trying so hard to get to the top of the table. It comes as no surprise then to discover that a centre of excellence is often an institution which is about to be axed, an institution who’s work is not immediately relevant to the policies of those who finance it, like the politicians.
Charisma
Having great charm.
People become famous for no other reason than they are famous. A whole industry exists to promote the image of people who create nothing, who have no talent or abilities, whose only claim to fame is that their picture appears regularly in certain tabloid newspapers. In the end charisma will mean; having a personal dentist, or having other celebrities be nice to you on chat shows, and for that the public will love you.
Charity
Altruistic giving.
People give when it makes them feel good. They also give when they have resources in excess of their needs. So the first question to ask would be why do the donors have an excess of resources when the recipients do not? Could it be that the act of giving masks some rather uncomfortable answers there? If it does then charity is a warm cloak for the donor and cold comfort for the receiver. And charity has always been an accountancy device, a tax classification offered only to the very rich.
Chat show
An entertainment form where people talk to each other.
The negative impact of television has already been noted, and no doubt will be again. And the chat show represents some of the very worst of television, along with the Australian soap operas and the American situation comedies which make up the bulk of day time viewing. In general the chat show is an institution where other people have your conversations for you, and if they don’t get the answers you are looking for it is because they assume you don’t know what you are looking for. Where celebrities are the subject then the chat show is a sycophantic guarantee of free publicity coupled to a promise that nothing will be revealed which is not already in the public knowledge. Where the general public are themselves the subject then we are witnessing an overt attack on the under privileged and the inadequate, for who else would want to degrade themselves in that way?
Cherry picking
Harvesting a small red fruit from the tree on which it grows.
A practice which starts in big business and permeates all the way down to small existence, the practice of taking the best for yourself and leaving the worst for others. A ‘cherry’ is also a slang term for the female vagina. It is a nice name so wouldn’t it be nice if men regarded it in that way, if they spent more time admiring it and less time abusing it.
Childhood
The period from birth till roughly the teenage years.
Childhood is a landscape with an ever receding horizon, a time when making mistakes is an enjoyable occupation, a time when hero worship is permitted, but inadvisable, given the other available options. Children are people who have the freedom to dress any way they wish, people who understand adults, people with short memories and shorter legs, people who sometimes need protection from those who seek to protect them. Childhood is a gift which is given to children, then quickly taken away from them.
Choice
The making of a conscious selection.
On the face of it choice is the freedom which society gives to individuals to make bad decisions, in practice it is the freedom which the advertising industry denies to all consumers. Choice is that which distinguishes the National Lottery player from an actor in a Greek tragedy, or putting one spoonful of sugar in your black coffee and not feeling bad about it.
Cholesterol
A fatty substance which apparently kills.
The chemical formula for cholesterol is very complicated, as no doubt is the study of it’s effect on the human body, but it has allowed the man in the street to be a medical expert thanks to the efforts of the advertising industry. They supplied the simple formula that high is bad, and low is good, whilst conveniently forgetting that low cholesterol does not make you healthier, it just makes you less unhealthy.
Christians
Followers of Jesus Christ.
Over the past two thousand years the Christians have become a very odd bunch indeed. They have frequently slaughtered their opponents in the name of their peaceful religion. They have frequently slaughtered each other for the sin of using the wrong words in the wrong places. In America and elsewhere they have turned a doctrine of poverty into a justification for greed. In the name of loving their neighbours they have constantly promoted self interest as the one true virtue. In general you could say that Christians are a) those who never wear interesting clothes, b) who think Cliff Richards is still a rock musician, c) who would crucify Christ given the opportunity, d) who put all their trust in faith on a Sunday then fail to recognise the diversity of their cultural inheritance for the remainder of the week.
Christmas
The birthday of the man called Jesus.
Christmas has become one of the few excuses sober people have not to be, or the pagans revenge on the Christians, or a time for atheists to feel smug, or finally a time for lovers of good music to buy ear plugs. Without doubt Christmas has become one of the few religious festivals which utterly denies the tenets of it’s belief, preferring to substitute a celebration of greed in it’s place.
Church
, A building used for worship. A broad term for the institution of Christianity when other religions have temples, and less of an inferiority complex. In truth a church is now a building not yet suitable for use as a bingo hall or discount warehouse. Or again it could be a cold concert hall where music is played badly. Oh dear.Cigarette
A small quantity of tobacco rolled in paper.
All cigarette packets carry a Government health warning but it makes no difference. A cigarette is an item which offers the opposite guarantee to that of a Zippo lighter, and we live in a world where lifetime guarantees seem to have little meaning. A cigarette is an item which has much the same effect on the atmosphere as a car, or a convenient target for those who fail to recognise the danger of all other (morally acceptable) addictive substances. And a cigarette can be a punctuation mark for an author in a narrative text but even I have stopped half my characters smoking, whilst still continuing myself of course.
Classical music
In general, quality music as opposed to popular music.
That which is never playing when someone you want to impress comes to call on you, or a source to which composers of popular music turn when they are short of inspiration.
Classical musician
An artist who performs serious music.
One who ca not afford an electric guitar, or one who has little freedom in terms of what s/he wears at a performance until s/he has achieved superstar status.
Closed circuit television
Television which receives it’s signals along wires. Do not confuse with cable television which claims to transmit live shows, but only after they have been well rehearsed. CCTV transmits live shows all the time and non of it has been rehearsed. It is the ubiquitous camera on the lamp post, or in the shop, and maybe even in the toilet of your friendly local pub. It is a technical aid in the war against crime, or a training aid for those who wish to improve their competence as criminals now that CCTV footage has eclipsed the chat show as the ultimate in TV banality.College
A body of wise men, a place of learning.
In the America of the Twentieth Century it was a place where young people went for fun and mild sex. In the Britain of the Twenty First Century it is a place where cleaver young people go in order to get into debt faster than their not so cleaver peers. In the Third World it is a place where young people hope to go if they are ever to avoid the grinding poverty of their parents.
Comedian
One who tells jokes.
There is a sense in which the comedian is the true heroine or hero of the entertainment industry. A singer has to do nothing more than sing, a stripper nothing more than take off clothes. The audience knows why they are there, and the performer knows why the audience is there. For the comedian the audience is a constant challenge, and the audience has to be challenged. Not surprisingly a lot of comedians are subversive personalities.
Comic
A literary genre with illustrations.
There is another kind of comic, the kind which has fluffy bunnies and cows that talk, but we’re not concerned with them here. The kind we are concerned with concern sagas of men with incredibly large biceps and are read by men with no biceps at all. They are collections of graphic art which sell for a few pounds in book form, or thousands of pounds when framed individually. How surprising.
Committee
A group of people gathered together for a common administrative purpose.
Now try it another way. Try saying that the committee is a body dedicated to the destruction of individuality, or a problem solving mechanism which causes the problem to disappear under the weight of the procedure, or simply the democratic distribution of guilt. And committees do not design camels. Camels came into being because they did not want to be horses, and never got round to telling the committee.
Common sense
The perceived wisdom of the masses.
Professor Joad once held that there is no such thing as common sense since it is such an uncommon commodity. He was right of course, but it leaves us with just two possible alternatives. As a prefix it is a personal viewpoint, or my personal viewpoint. As a branch of philosophy it is the lowest common denominator for what else is the perceived wisdom of the masses, those readers of the tabloid press or viewers of cable television?
Competition
Contest.
If communism and socialism are said to be a dying creeds then competition is certainly one on the ascendance, one which has achieved almost mystical status in fact. As a verb it relates to the mating rituals of the male heterosexual, which could be why it is so popular with the political elite. As a political creed in it’s own right it belongs to those who came to power when they had a head start on everyone else, and therefore have no need to compete.
Computer
An electronic device for storing and retrieving information.
As one of the major technological advances of all time the computer is certainly up there with the telephone and the television, and with many of the same problems. In the final analysis it is a keyboard device which a man can use in an office when he wouldn’t use a typewriter anywhere. Or again it is that which God might wish to become, if She ever recognised just how misunderstood She has become.
Computer error
. A mistake made by a calculating machine. The malfunction in the machine? That one is victimisation of the machine on the part of the operator. That one is any bank statement, gas electricity or water bill, decision of a council department, which is comes out in your favour when it shouldn’t.Concern for others
A mild worry about the welfare of others.
This is one of the areas where Christianity should excel, given what the nice man Jesus had to say on the subject. Christians don’t listen to Jesus very often, unfortunately, so what it becomes is a fear of the banana skins in your own path, altruism with no financial commitment.
Condom
A sheath worn over the penis to prevent pregnancy, or protect from sexually transmitted diseases.
What a wonderful idea. Cut the world’s death rate, and it’s birth rate, at a single (excuse the pun) stroke. It hasn’t worked out that way, of course it hasn’t. What it has become is a rubber fetish item which has gained moral acceptability, an expensive balloon at the kind of parties where people will be in no fit state to put it to is original and proper use. Where condoms are used they represent the triumph of common sense over discomfort. In all cases; they are a proof that women do understand men. Contraception is a sin in some churches, particularly those who have a fear of sex as fun rather than sex as a means to procreation. See also safer sex.
Confusion
A state of not understanding.
Much of this work is about my own confusion concerning the world in which we live but even I have to admit that confusion, per se, is a luxury to which few of us ever aspire. Mostly it is the natural conclusion to any situation where two or more humans try to communicate with each other.
Conspiracy
A plan hatched in secret.
We have already looked at a number of new religions, greed and competition to name but two, now we come to a third, conspiracy. In my books it is an excuse for an otherwise unacceptable cockup on the part of politicians. To others, those who have blue pointed heads, it is the crime of thinking about, rather than committing, a crime. In fact it is a covert decision to do that which those who are more sure of their motives would like to do overtly.
Conspiracy theory
The belief that plans are being hatched in secret.
The belief that the world is ruled by five monkeys and a Chinese sex goddess. This then is the religion for people who believe that flying saucers exist, but not that politicians might tell lies. For the rest of us it is history, when viewed by all but those of a cynical outlook.
Constructive criticism
Supposedly helpful advice.
There was a time when madness was straightforward; you foamed at the mouth, you were given a canvas jacket with funny sleeves, you were locked away in a gothic building for the rest of your life. Now it is much more subtle and to mark the change it is no longer called madness but a personality dysfunction. The lunatics of old were given very little to help with their condition but those with dysfunctional personalities get constructive criticism. All it boils down to is criticism to which you can not object because it is deemed to be in your own best interest, or the criticism of those who can and do by those who can not or will not. See also group therapy.
Consumer
Someone who uses something.
All religions need their martyrs, greed has the consumer, the deluded person who thinks s/he has free choice when in fact all s/he has is disposable capital. The consumer is the often praised but eventually sacrificial lamb in the face of the multinational corporations. The consumer is the one who pays for goods, rather than waiting for them to fall off the back of a lorry.
Contentment
Satisfaction.
A long list, but an important one to me. (1) Doing nothing, and not feeling guilty about it. (2) Not needing to, rather than not being able to, hear the Stock Market reports. (3) Having a telephone that can be turned off. (4) Not having a mobile telephone. (5) Not knowing, or caring, that some television sets are capable of receiving sixty or more channels. (6) Eating a fried bread sandwich while listening to the Berlioz ‘Requiem’ at full volume.
Conversation
An oral dialogue between two or more people.
We live in a complicated world, or we like to think we do, so conversation becomes a shared experience in incomprehension, or the art of agreeing with other people without appearing to, or a tacit agreement not to resort to physical violence, or finally a thing which some people make when other people just make fools of themselves.
Corporate identity
The recognisable style of a company or organisation.
A horse is a horse and we know that because it has a leg at each corner. A car is a car and we should know it by the fact that it has a wheel at each corner but apparently that is not sufficient. A car must have an identity, a colour scheme, and a style, and maybe even a smell by which we can recognise it as having been made by a certain company. And that is called corporate identity, making everything in the company look the same. It is all about using large sums of money to overcome corporate insecurity. One thing is for certain though, it’s a sure sign that the company in question is a company in decline.
Council officials
Employees of a local authority.
Those males who need no excuse for keeping five ball point pens in their breast pocket, or the computer’s worst enemy.
Counselling
Offering non directive help and advice.
In a world where people have personality dysfunction’s they need priests, or seers, or shamans. The spiritual help those priests offer is called counselling. It is a treatment program in the form of audio voyeurism. It is advising someone to do something you would not wish to do yourself. It is stoicism in the face of other people’s problems. Not to be confused with advice which is also advising people to do something you would not do yourself. So then a counsellor is a friend who does not want the responsibility of being your best friend, or a friend you would not always want as your best friend.
Country
& western music The indigenous folk music of the white inhabitants of the Central US. An art form for people who have not learned how to commit suicide, or maudlin music performed by singers in sequinned costumes.Creation
The act of producing something.
Creation is the process which starts with a single cell amoeba and ends with the reading of The Independent, or the first really big mistake made by God.
Creative artist
One who produces original works.
An undervalued artisan or a victim of censorship. S/he can also be a writer who indulges in literary masturbation, or one who makes assumptions without fear of contradiction. An undervalued craftsperson, a person who is not ashamed to buy her or his clothes from Oxfam.
Credit
Confidence, particularly that a sum of money will be paid back.
For those of a simple outlook hard cash has a certain appeal, you can count it and know straight away the limits of your liquidity. Those who control the money, the banks and financial institutions, they don’t like people who have a simple outlook. They would rather that we didn’t know how much money we had at any given time, that we were permanently in debt, and paying interest on that debt, and they call that ‘credit’. So then, to go back to our original definition, credit is the extent to which we are permitted to go into debt, and this is reflected in an interest rate in excess of 35% per month.
Credit card
A card on which the details of a bank account have been electronically encrypted.
A small sheet of plastic which has been known to open doors with Yale locks but rarely the doors of opportunity, the transmutation of base plastic into real debt, the preferred currency of restaurants which provide cuisine rather than cooking. By means of the credit card the banks can ensure that we can get ourselves into debt at any time of the day or night, anywhere in the world. The one thing they have not discovered, yet, is how to extend this facility beyond the grave, so take hope.
Crime
An offence against statute law.
Television drama needs certain recurrent themes in order that it’s audience does not get too confused. High on this list is the very ordinary situation where a person of one gender is attracted to a person of another gender. This is closely followed by situations where a person or an animal is dying and has to be cut open as a result. By far the most popular is the situation where one person does something nasty to another, usually resulting in their death, and that of course is a crime. Crime then is that branch of law which provides the greatest entertainment for the greatest number of people. It is also, by the way, a career structure for those who do not wish to become council officials.
Culture
The customs of a country, or the better art of that country.
The first cave artists painted pictures of people with no clothes on, or of animals running away. What they did not realise, at the time, was that they were laying down the basis of a culture. And culture now is a justification for full frontal nudity, or titillation for the literate. Culture is also a measure of quality so it becomes the books which I read, the music which I listen to, the art which I prefer, as opposed to the rubbish you have in your home. And finally culture is a working class assumption about what the middle classes do in the evening if they are not watching Coronation Street.
Cynicism
An honestly held belief that most people are motivated by self interest.
A life skill for those who do not wish to be God. A clarity of vision which is so acute that it gives others a headache. A treason in the eyes of the government, a sin in the eyes of the Church and a pain in the arse for all who do not practice it. A style of writing which might earn me a lot of money, if I can find a publisher who will accept it.
