G
Game console
An interface device which makes it possible to play games on a computer.
More to the point it is an interface device which excludes all the useful applications on a computer, or the reason why children don’t play real games any more. When men use it then it’s an access to animated images of women in leather costumes.
Gay
A sexual identity which excludes members of the opposite sex.
Specifically it was a state enjoyed by Noel Coward when not speaking of his sexuality. Generally it is most often someone who is glad to be. Gay people are those who can never be married and can not, or probably do not want to be, divorced. They are those who make love for the fun of it rather than the family which might result from it. Gay men are those who enjoy the experience of kissing someone with stubble on his chin, and can sometimes wear pink without fear, and can often be called a queen without giving offence. Gay men are those who can make love just as well when they are standing up. Gay women prefer to be called lesbian. They will sometimes wear a leather costume, and may even enjoy kicking men if they gets higher points for it.
Gender
The sex, as opposed to the sexual orientation, of a person.
In theory; the two sides of the one coin. Again, and in theory, we are born with a gender identity and therefore have no choice in the matter, though there are those who dare to question that assumption which makes them akin to those who question the existence of God, and we can only hope that both turn out to be right in the end.
Genes
The chemical coding of all hereditary data.
The first thing to note is that these genes are not to be confused with the denim trousers which have only been around for a hundred and fifty years. These are the ones that the middle classes put their trust in when the upper classes put their trust in blood, and everyone has worn the denim trousers at some time or another.
Genius
An excess of intelligence.
Another thing we are apparently born with, or not, so again there is no choice in the matter. If you were born with it then it is your excuse for not doing the washing up after each meal, or your reason for being continually misunderstood. If you are a man it can also be the excuse for never using a razor.
Glamour
Physical appeal.
It is very rarely that a man is described as being beautiful and even more rarely that he is described as being glamorous. Beauty and glamour both seem to be female preserves but the two are not the same. A woman can be, most often is, beautiful without having had a breast implant. Breast implants are mostly carried out by men, and at a cost, so glamour brings together two of the male obsessions, making money and making women fit a preconceived ideal.
Global warming
An increase in the earth’s temperature due to holes in it’s atmosphere.
Everyone has to blame someone. Personally I prefer not to pick on God, by all accounts She has enough troubles as it is, but there are the car manufacturers and the petroleum exporters, two branches of that sect otherwise referred to as the greedy capitalists. So then, global warming, a dire prediction which allows us to go barefoot in winter, or a climatic disaster which has yet to be recognised by the car manufacturers.
God
The supreme being.
According to the available evidence, and there is not a lot, She is probably a very nice person. She is certainly the one who lost when She gave man a voice. She is also the one who’s name is used as a justification for any action or belief which would otherwise be inexcusable, whether or not it was Her idea in the first place. Poor lady.
God fearing man
One who has absolute faith in the omnipotence God.
The one who wants everyone to know about it. The one who has never been able to understand the Almighty, and is therefore willing to commit any atrocity in Her name, a man who will only have sex if there is a chance of a family at the end of it. A man wearing tight underpants. And the odd thing is that it is one of the few fears a man will admit to, let alone boast about.
Golden handshake
A bonus paid to an executive at the end of her or his service.
If you are a toilet cleaner, and you leave a brown stain around the rim of the executive toilet, then you will probably get the sack. If you are a senior executive, and you leave brown stains everywhere, then you will most likely be given a golden handshake to help you leave quietly. The truth is that toilet cleaners know how to clean up brown stains while executives do not so the executives do not so the executives have to be protected. Perhaps we should feel sorry for them, the next time we go to the toilet.
Good judgement
Wise selection.
A reward for bad experience. On the upside good judgement is not standing in front of a fan when the sewage pipes burst, or not having an excess of belief. On the downside it is an accolade which is rarely accorded to others.
Good luck
The improvement in one’s fortunes.
The bribe from God, which is rarely acted upon. Good luck is the belief system of those who buy National Lottery tickets when the name of the Almighty is not being invoked.
Good taste
Being selective, particularly where the arts and culture are concerned.
It is that which is that which I appreciate, and nothing else. It is the minority opinions of those with clean finger nails. It is that which people with more than four television channels rarely have. When good taste becomes good wine then it is a libation which alcoholics rarely taste, a case of the inebriation with an upper class accent.
Gourmet
One who appreciates good food.
He could be a glutton with an educated pallet, or he could be a television personality who can’t sing, or dance, or act. A gourmet is a hero in the first world though rarely in the third world.
Government
The executive arm of a democracy charged with carrying out the will of the people.
In practice; the alter at which the will of the people is sacrificed.
Government health warning
An official announcement concerning the danger of certain products.
A smoke screen printed on cigarette packets to prevent the general public seeing all the other dangerous activities of Government.
Gratification
The act of satisfying oneself or others.
There are many forms of gratification, Some provided by others and some provided by ourselves. Indeed there are whole industries concerned with the provision of gratification and they are rarely the subject of criticism, of course they are not, they are a part of the capitalist system. It is where self gratification is concerned that we run into problems, that we are told it is morally reprehensible. Of course it is, when no one is making any money from it. See also masturbation.
Great Britain
A nation state within the European Union.
A small group of islands with a dangerously large ego.
Greed
Insatiable desire for wealth.
The condition of wanting caviar rather than needing bread. A vice which has been elevated to respectability by the imposition of political dogma, as we have seen previously. It is closely related to the condition of excess, or having more than two of anything. Excess is a symptom of greed, and the first symptom of inadequacy. It is also the period from December 24th to January 1st, in any given year, or any time when a piece of plastic will go into the slot and come out looking like money. See also oil, second home.
Green
The next colour in the spectrum to red.
Most political parties have a colour associated with them, though the connection is not always obvious. There is blue for conservatives, red for socialists, or the unfortunate yellow for liberal democrats. The Green Party do at least keep an eye out for growing things, so perhaps they’ve got it right there. And green is also the colour of Wellington boots which are not black, the colour of the fascists. See also ecology.
Green field site
A plot of land which has not been developed.
‘Green and pleasant land’ comes from a poem by William Blake. In the same poem there is the line ‘Dark satanic mills’. So when developers speak of green field sites and brown field sites it doesn’t take much to guess which is the pleasant one and which the satanic mill. Neither does it take much to guess who will get which.
Greetings cards
Pre-printed postal communications, often with illustrations.
The art of conversation is dying, the art of letter writing died before it. How often does the postman bring you an envelope that is hand written? How often do you post one? In it’s place we have the greeting card, a multi million pound industry, a means of communicating with people you would not normally communicate with, postal communications which are harder to ignore than bills. Well at least it’s a chance for robins and other small birds to star in what might otherwise have been art. See also letter writing.
Group therapy
A form of treatment for certain psychiatric conditions where the patients are encouraged to share their feelings.
A form of treatment for the emotionally disadvantaged which is based on the recognition of collectivised guilt. Tribal aggression without weapons. Audio voyeurism made respectable by the inclusion of self abasement. See also constructive criticism.
Guest
One who stays in the home of another.
There is a saying that a guest, like a dead fish, is one who should never stay in the house for more than three days. A guest is a scrounger with no feelings of guilt, a masochist who may not even like the host but will still put up with the worst bed in the house, someone whom children can speak to when their own parents might not listen to them.
Guest house
.A commercial enterprise which provides accommodation.
A strangely British institution where the customers are rarely treated as guests and where it is assumed that humans can survive for a whole day on two slices of dry toast and a cup of weak tea.
Guilt
An acceptance of culpability.
A condition which occurs when other people know what you are doing. A gift from God, which came one day when She was in a bad mood. The pre-requisite of attending group therapy sessions.
Guts
Entrails.
Men and women both have entrails, so do animals, but only men have guts. Guts are what you need if you are going out to fight meaningless wars, or play football, but not if you have to live your life as a second class citizen. See also hero.
