L
Land
The flat surface of the earth.
Land is earth, which is brown, which goes muddy when it is wet and misty when it’s a part of a mystical dream. If you divide the flat brown surface into plots, all be it fairly large plots, they are called nations, and that is what people get all mystical about. And there are some peoples in this world who do not believe you can own land. Mostly they live in America or Australia, and have done for thousands of years, and have had the land they don’t believe can be owned taken from them by white Americans or Australians who have only lived there for a few hundred years. The Americans and Australians do believe land can be owned by them, and will kill anyone who thinks otherwise.
Language
The medium of verbal and written communication.
There are an awful lot of languages. They become the greatest fear known to man. They are the means by which people who should have so much in common insist that they have so little in common. It’s such a pity when talking to a stranger, in any language, can be such a nice thing to do.
Law
Rules which have been given authority by statute.
In theory; the agreed limitations on personal freedom. In practice; double yellow lines in the gutter, public houses which close at eleven, people under the age of sixteen who are not allowed to kiss each other.
Law and order
A process by which the state governs itself with the aid of the police or other uniformed organisations.
Which some people say is the means by which a society remains peaceful, and others say is sadism made respectable. It is a dream, offered as a bribe, by a political party which has been out of power for some time.
Leaving
Departing.
An attempt to make a situation acceptable. A proof that you have been, and maybe had, an impact on someone. A process in the journey towards maturity. An escape to sanity.
Left
The opposite of right or, in Latin, sinster.
Only a small percentage of the population are left handed and, as a result, are put on a par with people who have homosexual inclinations, people who have black skin, people who are under five foot or over twenty stone. The Latin form of the word (sinster) is often confused with the word ‘sinister’, which has bad connotations.
Left wing
Being of a socialist or communist inclination.
The left wing prides itself in representing the views of the masses. The tabloid press also prides itself in representing the views of the masses. Left wing organisations sometimes have to go begging for money while the masses are most often those who have no money at all and the tabloid press grows richer by the day. Left wing is an umbrella term for both communists and socialists. As a young man I was told that if I was not a communist in my twenties then I was a fool, and if I was still a communist in my fifties then I was again a fool. There are still a lot of fifty year old communists around, especially in Eastern Europe where it is, supposedly, no longer a dominant political force. Now why would that be? Well on the upside it was the political system which objected to the mass distribution of Coca- Cola, Macdonald’s Hamburgers and Disney films. And even on the downside it was nothing worse than Christianity without the music. Socialism meanwhile is a creed which the middle classes think would be good for the working classes and the working classes still think was invented by the middle classes. A creed which believes all people are equal provided they have strong leaders. A creed which many people in Eastern Europe wish they still had.
Legend
History which is not always supported by empirical evidence.
A footballer who can be sold for more than £10,000,000. An Olympic athlete who wins a race and does not fail the drugs test afterwards.
A woman who has a sexual preference for other women.
A woman who is said to follow Sapho of Lesbos, who in turn was said to be the first female homosexual, which is unlikely since there were men around before that and the choice was there before that. Lesbians are also a sexual fantasy for men who are having trouble making love to women themselves.
Lethargy
Extreme listlessness.
It is said to be a fear of new experiences, and I can well believe it when so many lethargic people spend so much of their lives watching soap operas and quiz shows on television. It is said to be a fatal illness, which it could well be when it comes down to not even watching football on a Sunday, let alone playing it.
Letter writing
Communicating by post.
Before I had a telephone I used to write to all of my friends. Since I had my latest telephone bill I intend to go back to writing to all of my friends. I call it creative writing by instalments and, when not intended for publication, it is a lovely means of avoiding the libel laws. See also greetings cards.
Libel
In law, a written slander or defamation.
A gambling game for the very rich with a prize for the party which tells the most creative lies. In fact it is a means establishing the truth by placing a monitory value on it.
Liberation
The freeing of a country from an invader.
The invasion of a country, usually by the Americans and the British, where the current political establishment is not being friendly to, or is not liked by, the Americans or the British. It should be noted that the indigenous peoples of the Americas, and a lot of people in the north of Ireland, are still waiting to be liberated from either the Americans or the British.
Life
The interval between birth and death.
Call it a condition without much future, or a conspiracy against the successful completion of anything, or a process of running out of things, or even a condition which is not always the same as living in West London.
Life achievement
The greatest fulfilment of a person in the interval between their birth and their death.
For me, personally, that is the invention of the fried bread sandwich. For certain actors it is an award given when they have spent a life doing nothing which is worthy of any other kind of award. Not to be confused with life event.
Life assurance
A financial precaution.
A protection, not against death itself but the cost of your own death to other people. That shows the concern of the finance industry for all matters funereal and post mortem. That means having little faith in God and all Her works.
Life event
A major event in the interval between a persons birth and their death.
That could mean being done to rather than doing. That could also mean the discovery that you are an individual with a certain identity and certain rights. Not to be confused with life achievement.
Life skills
The knowledge and abilities needed to get a person through the difficult interval between birth and death.
These are things like knowing where the toilet is, even when you are blind drunk, or knowing where to go to claim Income Support, even when you have a part time job and a lot of money stuffed under the mattress.
Literature
Fiction, though generally of a higher standard.
That which is never liked by those who know what they like, or have strong religious convictions. A form of creative writing where obscene words are permitted. A form of creative writing which is studied rather than read.
Living alone
Not having a partner, of either gender.
I live alone, as you have probably gathered by now. I like living alone after all those years of living with people who didn’t always like living with me. It means not having to close the bathroom door, or not feeling guilty about eating fried bread sandwiches, and always being able to open the fresh jar of Nescafe. Living alone is under valued isolation. Living alone is having enough sense not to join the church, or the local amateur dramatic society. See also loneliness.
Logic
A system of reasoning.
Logic is one of those much misused words. People will say that a conclusion is only logical when what they mean is that it is only what they think. Logic is a system of reasoning, invented by those lovely Ancient Greeks, and would probably make no sense at all to those people who keep talking about things being only logical.
Logistics
The science of moving things from one place to another.
The very large lorries which do so much damage to the environment when trains and canals would be cheaper and safer. A smart word for carbon monoxide poisoning and more profit for the petroleum industry.
Loneliness
The acute awareness of being alone.
That often correct suspicion that no one cares about you, or having no one in your life who you can hurt. Loneliness is the condition of having an over active ego set against a very small address book. Loneliness is something which is harder to admit than being gay, or a Conservative. See also living alone.
Long lens camera
An optical device for taking photographs at a great distance.
An optical device for taking photographs of female personalities who have been stupid enough, or publicity conscious enough, to take off their bikini top.
Love
An intense feeling of desire for another person.
Love is a condition which only occurs to those who have never been in it, a land mine in the soul. Love is knowing the name of the person you are having sex with, or something you fall into with far more ease than you fall out of, or even a place which makes Luton seem preferable.
Love at first sight
A feeling of intense desire for someone you have only just met.
That last resort for the truly isolated, that blindness which excludes all the other people in the room, even the Christians and the thespians.
Loved one
The person or thing for which you have feelings of intense desire.
Or the person who has just died, or something with four legs which shits all over the carpet.
Lover
A person with whom you share an intense degree of feeling.
Someone you are living with, and having sex with, irrespective of your feelings for them. Someone who is incapable of being a friend, or a person to whom you are not married.
Loyalist
One who is loyal to a political creed.
After every liberation, after every revolution, then comes a civil war. It is as certain as It is as certain as the cliché of day following night. During the civil war each side will claim loyalty to the original beliefs, and will kill the other side in order to prove it. The truth is that each side is looking for a power base and that would be a good definition of loyalty. In Northern Ireland there are people who say they are loyal to Great Britain, they even hang flags out to prove it, but they will also kill British troops to prove it. Now there is the ultimate test of loyalty, or your commitment to your power base.
Lunch
A meal taken at midday.
According to our friendly Americans this is something which is never free. According to the rest of us it is an opportunity for those involved in commerce to talk to each other rather than compete with each other, and get more done as a result.
