M
Madness
The clinical condition of not being sane.
For many this will mean holding opinions which are not those of a tabloid newspaper, or a personality dysfunction for those who can not afford a private psychiatrist. For others it is a belief, not that one is a creative artist but that others will be interested in what one has created. Finally it is a state which is never more than one unguarded thought away.
Magic
The supernatural.
It can be one of two things. The first is a profit for the Disney Corporation. The second is the ability to kick a ball into a net which measure twenty feet by eight feet by six feet.
Major
(1) Large or important.
(2) An officer in an army.
A major in the army is not a very important one. He is often the one who takes the blame for everything that goes wrong, or is sent over the top in front of his troops. Again a contradiction in terms.
Man
A human being with a penis.
A man is a person who never beats his wife, never abuses his children, and never underlines words in library books. Or ‘man’ is the human race where the condition of woman has been denied. And both are the computer’s greatest enemy.
Manager
The senior member of a workforce.
Often an administrator but rarely a director and never a worker. A person employed by a company or organisation who is incapable of carrying out the normal functions of that company or organisation. He who can not do, and neither can he teach. In hospitals a manager is s/he who is paid more than those who save the lives. See also worker.
Marriage
The legalisation and legitimisation of a sexual relationship between people of opposite sexes.
An institution created in heaven but monitored by the bank, or good news for divorce lawyers, or a contract covering all but the most pertinent points of a relationship, or even a contract which becomes unnecessary for those who choose to love each other. As a religious or civil ceremony it is an opportunity to wear the clothes you would never wear anywhere else, and visit the places you would never dream of visiting, even in your worst nightmares. It is something which always happens in Luton. At worst it is a public rejection of homosexuality, at best a good reason for turning to homosexuality. See also honeymoon.
Masturbation
Self stimulation of the sexual organs.
Sex for the sensible. It is the one form of sexual activity which is guaranteed not to cause pregnancy or to spread sexually transmitted diseases. Masturbation is not popular with religious fundamentalists which is odd since neither are they keen on people having sex with each other. God would probably have to masturbate since there is no reference to Her having a partner of either sex. See also gratification.
Maturity
That point in the interval between birth and death which is closer to the later than the former.
There are just two things to be said about this state. In a human it is a condition of no longer having to justify one’s opinions. In a cheese it is a vast improvement on the slices which come in plastic packets. There are also mature wines or whiskies but they never stay around long enough for the distinction to be relevant.
Memory
The ability to recall past events.
Memory can be quite painful at times, quite embarrassing, which is probably why God gave it to us, to remind us of the status quo. But the thing to remember about memory is that it’s fallible, which is to our advantage, and that it is never accurate, which is even more to our advantage. Memory is not history, and even history tends to be more fiction than fact so mould memory to your own benefit then remind God that She doesn’t hold all the trump cards.
Meritocracy
The belief that some persons are inherently superior to others.
On the surface it is a terrifying thought, the idea that some people might come to rule simply because they believe they were born to it. In practice it is not as bad as it sounds, and there are a lot of banana skins in the path of any aspiring leader, non the least of which is the concept of meritocracy itself. It is a non competitive system of selection used by English public schools, or it is homosexuality with a starched collar when most gay people prefer the softer collar.
Mid life crisis
A trauma at the mid point between birth and death.
A recognition that the only people you meet now are the sons and daughters of your once friends. The discovery that jeans no longer fit as well as they once did. The condition of being sixty and still alive. It is worth noting that at one time you were considered to be coming to the end by the time you reached sixty, now you are just entering your fourth age. Things do change.
Middle classes
The middle ground of the European cast system.
In general, those who are neither the rulers or the ruled, or those who constitute the battle ground in the class war. They are people who have a nemeses rather than a crisis, the only people who truly believe in the classless society.
Military leader
A soldier who rules a country, usually not elected.
A person who is not English, but has still been to Sandhurst Military Academy. A uniformed politician who always lays the blame at the feet of plain clothes politicians. A dictator who can not afford to wear jeans.
Millionaire
Someone who has assets in excess of £1,000,000
There was a time when it meant something to have a million pounds in the bank. Now, apparently, it means nothing, but try telling that to someone who is waiting for the postman to deliver the giro. So who are the new millionaires? Well there’s the National Lottery winner who’s name didn’t get published in a tabloid newspaper, or there’s the prostitute with a good accountant. Just ordinary people, like you and I.
Mind set
A single minded obsession with an idea or philosophy.
Mind set is one of those new phrases, used by new people who are trying to impress old people like me. For the record it is similar to a jelly, but with fewer intellectual connotations. Unlike the fried bread sandwich it is actually having faith in something and being willing to discuss it.
Miracle
An event which occurs without rational explanation.
The ability of certain fundamentalist preachers to make vast sums of money without recourse to conventional accounting or any concern for what God might actually be saying. Also the economic growth of those countries who lost a war with America rather than those countries who were the allies of America.
Mission statement
A statement of intent.
A pretty certificate to put in the foyer of any publicly funded organisation.
Mobile phone
A communications device which is not connected to landlines.
An electronic device which sometimes needs the aid of a human in order to speak to other electronic devices.
Moderation
The middle point between two extremes.
Revolutionaries don’t like moderation, it doesn’t fit with their mind set, but revolutionaries don’t win wars, whatever they might like to think after the event. The prizes of war go always to the mediocre, so moderation could be seen as mediocrity with political overtones. It could also be seen as knowing how to fit a cork back into a bottle, which is something else revolutionaries are not very good at.
Money
Units of currency.
Why do we need it? There is no evidence that the cave people needed it and they survived long enough to give birth to us. Money is the middle ground between the producer and the consumer, another example of those who can not do having to find some way of getting in on the act. Money is fast becoming a fiction since we hardly ever see it these days, all we see is a row of green numbers on the screen of the automatic teller machine. Money is what we would like to have when in truth all we have is debt.
Morality
That which does not tend towards the obscene or the depraved.
The belief system of those in power at any given time, which is often a quick prayer followed by a slow grope. It is a mind set which permits one man to be against abortion but in favour of the death penalty while permitting another man to be in favour of the termination of pregnancy whilst being opposed to judicial killing. Very strange.
Moral values
A belief system which is based on religious or philosophical precepts.
That lifestyle which excludes the bawdy, and the obscene, and most of the output of Channel 4 Television. That concept which is an excuse for the imposition of censorship on the part of the Government or the church. On the upside it could be what garden gnomes are thinking about while their owners are trying to decide who to vote for in the next election.
Most secret
Something which must never be revealed.
A problem area for First World governments when democracy is supposed to mean open and honest. What it actually means is; more fun than secret, or most embarrassing, or most likely to collect dust.
Mother
A human who has given birth to another human.
A member of the human race who is denied most human rights for the simple reason of giving continuation to the human race, or a person who would never take a child to eat in a hamburger restaurant. A life sentence handed down to an innocent women, or the condition of not being able to wear jeans when you want to, or the condition of wishing the father had learned to do something else with his genitals. See also fatherhood, parent.
Motorist
One who drives a motor car.
A paraplegic in training. One who is responsible for more deaths than any act of God, or war of man. One who pays proportionally less tax than a cigarette smoker.
Myth
An unproven bit of history.
A legend with mist. A useful word on the Scrabble board since it has no vowels in it. The basis of most beliefs. The essential ingredient of such institutions as; Democracy, Freedom of Speech, Human Rights etc.
