P
Package holiday
A holiday which has been organised by a tour operator rather than an individual.
We all know what a holiday is, we have come across it before, the authorised leave of absence for the purpose of a nervous breakdown. The package holiday is a variation on this theme, a holiday where the individual is not permitted to enjoy themselves, or become traumatised, in their own particular way because it has all been done for them. Package holidays are also an opportunity for advertisers to show bikini clad women in their brochures, which puts them on a par with catalogue shopping.
Panic
An emotional response to a trauma.
It has been said that the addict will only give up when the addict wants to give up, not when other people want him or her to. If that is the case then panic may be the only possible cure for addiction. It is certainly the science of getting things done, and the emotion which is most frequently rewarded when things do get done.
Paranoia
A delusion of persecution.
The unreasonable belief that you have got everything wrong, that people don’t like you, that the Government is out to get you. Well have you ever thought that the Government may well be out to get you? I mean, they are certainly out to get the rest of us so why should you be different? Apart from that paranoia is imagining the worst possible scenario with the greatest possible pleasure.
Paranormal
That which does not appear to be rooted in normal, physical, laws.
That which begs the question, if it exists then why is it not considered normal? So what you get in the end is the normal with a smoke machine in the background, a belief system for those who prefer reading tabloid newspaper and watching television to reading The Bible or going to church. Flying saucers are paranormal, apparently, and so are corn circles. An economic downturn, where money just disappears out of the system, is not paranormal. It was greedy men who were responsible for that, not little green men, so there you have it.
Parent
Either partner involved in the creation and raising of a child.
Some of us didn’t actually like our parents, or at least I know this someone didn’t, so I have always tended to look on parenthood as the ultimate test of democratic freedom and again on a parent as someone not always chosen by a child. See also mother, fatherhood.
Partner
Someone with whom you work or live.
As a definition with legal standing this means a person who puts money and/or skill into a business relationship. As a definition without legal standing it is a person who puts love into any other relationship.
Passion
An excess of emotion.
Begin with the absence of reason, an emotion which sometimes tastes strange, or being concerned with sex rather than with your partner. Then you have a fruit which dose taste good. And finally you have the title of various, and very good, pieces of Baroque music.
Passivity
The condition of not being assertive or aggressive.
Depending on the stance you take this can be either very good or very bad. Passive people are less likely to go to war, or commit road rage, or abuse their partners. On the other hand passive people do not get angry when the government goes to war just for the fun of it, or sections of the tabloid press condones road rage, or a lot of men condone the abuse of female partners. Finally it is most likely to be passive people who incur the wrath of the moderates in encounter groups. See also aggressive, moderate. Not to be confused with patience.
Past
The time before birth rather than the time after death.
All the time before today. And it’s a wonderful country, or so they say, but that’s probably because we can’t go back to it. It was a time when you knew that everything was going wrong, and it was not your fault, and you were in no position to do anything about it. It is now a base material for the fantasies of historians and politicians.
Patience
The skill of not getting upset or frustrated.
Not to be confused with passivity. A personality dysfunction which prevents suicide, or an easy virtue provided one has the time. As a solo card game it is a guarantee of a nervous breakdown and as a way of life it is something slightly less rewarding than a belief in God.
Patriot
One who believes in his country, right or wrong.
Patriots don’t always get a good press, for obvious reasons. Mostly they are terrorists who have ended up on the winning side, those who now do the worst for other countries rather than the best for their own. Sometimes they are rewarded for their efforts by having folk songs written about them, a suitable punishment others would say.
Peace
The absence of war.
It is something we are supposed to long for, and pray for, but the best we ever get is a delusion that there is no war, or a war that is not happening on our own doorstep. And in Europe, which has mostly got out of the habit of fighting wars recently, peace is now becoming a major industry.
Peace keeper
A soldier who is sent to deal with a foreign crisis.
Which makes him a soldier with his own identity crisis. Or he is a politician who has the good sense not to join either side, knowing that he will pick up the spoils from both sides. See also rapid deployment force.
Peace process
A government inspired initiative to end a war.
The wars in question are mostly civil conflicts which are being hampered by the politicians who do not understand the origins.
Pedantic
Labouring a point, in the style of a bad teacher.
When you do this you are giving people permission to remember your past indiscretions, or then again you might have been having all the right ideas but you’re still being blamed for having the wrong presentation.
Peer group
Those who are of the same class or generation as yourself.
Those who are morally entitled to put pressure on you when others are not.
Penis
The male sexual organ.
An erratically inflatable appendage which distinguishes man from rational beings. Something which a woman does not have, and for some reason is blamed for not having.
Pension
A regular payment which allows a person to stop working.
There is an arbitrary period in our lives when we are expected to work. In the third world this is from the time you are old enough to carry something until the time you drop dead, or look as if you are about to. In the first world it is from the mid teens till the early sixties. In the third world those who survive the work experience can mostly expect to be looked after by the immediate community but close knot communities hardly exist in the first world now so the concept of the pension was introduced. In part this is funded by the government but it can be supplemented by investment in something called a pension fund. The problem is, as always, when money starts to disappear from the system then the pension find is one of the first places that it starts to disappear from.
People
The collective noun for person.
Humans with a political identity, which makes them the myth in the mind of the politician. Those who apparently have all the right ideas but are never permitted the voice with which to articulate them. They are also, or have been known to be, my enemies.
Person
A human being where the gender is not at issue.
It has become a politically correct term when the subject in question is not a man, or an individual who has not yet made enough mistakes to be granted an identity.
Personal agenda
Points of self interest rather than points of common interest.
Self interest with an acceptable name, which could be wanting to have sex with another person rather than wanting to listen to that person. Not to be confused with agenda.
Personal space
The amount of space that people seem to need around them before they can feel comfortable.
The ammount of space you grant to a person when you want them to know that you are not trying to make love to them. In practice it is the effective range of a personal deodorant, or that to which we can lay claim when all other questions of ownership are at issue. In the end, presumably, the amount of space required to accommodate a coffin or an urn.
Personal opinion
Your own thoughts and feelings, which might not always be the thoughts and feelings of others.
This is sometimes seen as a lack of understanding of, or research into, the subject under discussion. At other times it will be the prelude to some very unpalatable truths, and possibly the only time when the speaker is telling the truth.
Personality problem
A dysfunctional approach to everyday life.
Or that which people have when they are too nice to be called psychopaths, or simply not having enough money to buy effective personal deodorants.
Perfection
The art of getting everything right, all the time.
A justification for being murdered, or the last moment before death, or even a fried bread sandwich where the filling has been soaked in tomato juice first. In other words; a guarantee that no one will ever listen to you.
Pessimist
One who always sees the bad side of everything.
One who expects to live to be 100 years old. One who never has sex for fear of catching AIDS, and always assumes that someone, somewhere, is pricking little holes in the condoms. One who has learned to speak the same language as a politician.
Pets
Domesticated animals.
Plants that squawk, or family members who are allowed to shit wherever they like.
Plagiarism
Stealing the creative work of others.
Using quotes that are too long to gain academic credence or the alternative to a litre of vodka and another blank page.
Poetry
Literature in a metrical form.
Verse form, irrespective of whether it rhymes or not, but more often not. A literary form which describes the act of sexual intercourse by reference to forest glades, waves breaking on the seashore etc. Prose, with more attitude than words.
Politics
The practice of administration in accordance with a political agenda.
The art of hiding a weak mind behind a strong voice, or fun for cynics, or even the repetition of that which is untrue by those who are unbelievable.
Political correctness
The use of language which does not insult or offend others.
Which in turn is an expression of personal guilt, or then again the right ideas spoken in the wrong language, or finally the usurpation of liberation by the narrow minded. An example of political correctness is the use of the word ‘challenged’. When concerned with height, weight, colour, class, education etc, this is a politically correct way of saying ‘not like us’. And there is nothing wrong with political correctness, nothing wrong with an idea which says we should be careful not to give offence where other people’s sensitivities are at issue, it’s just that the language itself is so cumbersome. I mean, no one is ever ‘challenged’ because they are over six foot three or over eighteen stone, at least I know I’m not.
Political enemy
One who is one who disagrees with your political views.
The person you voted with last year, before he became an embarrassment. He is often one who admits that you have all the right ideas but still will not have sex with you. He is almost always tomorrow’s president or prime minister.
Politician
An administrator with a political agenda.
He is the one who’s stated intention is to turn defeat into victory, and who’s natural inclination is to turn victory into defeat, a terrestrial life form which would have more credibility if it was extra terrestrial.
Poverty
The extreme situation of having no available assets.
An inability to afford allergies, or not having a television rather than not wanting one.
Power
Having control over, or being stronger than.
Politics is all about being in power, and staying in power, of course it is. And not being in politics is all about watching those who are in power making fools of themselves.
Prank calls
Light hearted telephone calls.
There are times when technology goes at a nice steady pace and harms no one. Take the wheel, it was a couple of million years before it was discovered that it could be put on the corners of a car and the world became a worse place as a result. At other times technology moves just to fast and the world is left wondering just what the hell they can do with it. The mobile phone is a case in point. It should be a utopian dream, not just nations speaking peace unto nations but people speaking peace unto people. The trouble is that people who have problems communicating when they are face to face have even more problems when they pick up their mobile phone. They simply have nothing to say so they buy into services which provide prank calls, the audio equivalent of the greetings card. And I can promise you, if I receive just one more prank call then I will not be speaking peace to the sender, oh dear me no.
Praying
The act of supplication to a divine being.
A form of self interest with religious overtones. When you’re doing it for someone else then you’re being glad that something hasn’t happened to you. When you’re doing it for yourself then you’re giving God a lot of unnecessary work when She has better things to do.
Preaching
Proclaiming what you believe to be the truth of a belief or tenet.
Apart from the already converted there are very few people who actually listen seriously to either politicians or religious leaders so that makes the act of preaching the art of speaking to the deaf, or maybe even making God wish She were somewhere else.
Pregnant
(1) The state of being with child.
(2) A pause which is full of something.
A woman’s punishment for believing in a man or the time between being born with a lot of hope and dying with a lot of despair.
Present
The midway point between birth and death.
A time when everything goes wrong because it can find no other time to go wrong. The time when alcohol, caffeine and nicotine are all in short supply.
Pride
Excessive self-regard. Apart from the fact that it is something which seems to go with prejudice it is that which gay people have when other people would like them not to have it.Prime minister
The senior executive officer of the Government.
A politician who’s anal passage has been licked clean, or the icon of women in blue dresses, irrespective of their gender.
Prison
A place for the incarceration of miscreants.
To those who are logically minded it is a symptom of the failure of politicians to create a decent and just society. For those who believe in law and order, and of course have never been there, it is an easy option. For those who are there, or have been there, it is a way of life with brutality and buggery thrown in for good measure.
Privacy
A form of personal secrecy.
A condition made necessary by the practice of embarrassing acts, or a somewhat more valuable commodity than a current television licence.
Privatisation
The selling off of government assets.
It is simply another form of theft, but committed by men in pinstripe suits rather than men in stripped jerseys. It is also a strategy for creating water shortages in one of the wettest countries in the world.
Problem
A conundrum.
An enigma which others can solve when you can not, or merely the past and the present and the future.
Producer
One who makes something.
In the real world a producer is someone who works in a factory or a field, who has something to show for their labour at the end of the day. In that slightly unreal world of the theatre or the cinema or television the producer is the one who does not. The producer is the one who talks about money then gets in the way of the director, or the actor, or the artist. It is even possible that the producer comes even further down that list can’t do, can’t teach, can’t administer, but does like to have her or his name in big letters at the start of it all.
Professionalism
The situation of being paid to do something and then taking pride in it.
It should be the highest accolade you can pay someone. What it comes down to in the end is protectionism, or prostitution, or doing things when the referee is not watching.
Progress
A forward movement in time.
It could be conveniently forgetting the past, or it could be inconveniently accepting the present, take your pick.
Promiscuous
Having loose morals and being active about it.
Some say that it is being well travelled while others say that it is having sex without looking at the balance sheet.
Prostitution
The act of selling sexual gratification.
Most will say that this one is having sex while looking at the balance sheet, which is obviously the right thing to be doing in a greed orientated society. A few will say that it is selling your skills, or abilities, for a reasonable price, but always in a way that they don’t like, or don’t earn as much from.
Protester
One who objects to something.
Any person who supports any party which is not in government. Any person who has strong beliefs and fast legs. Any person who was not a police person on the day. Any person who wears jeans because they are the only thing they can find in the wardrobe.
Psychiatrist
A doctor specialising in disorders of the mind.
A drug dealer with a clear conscience. A doctor who lacks the courage to be a psychologist, or even a counsellor, but still charges more than either.
Public
That which, in theory, is the domain of the whole population.
To the socialist anything that is public is just perfect while to the capitalist it is mostly crass.
Public relations
The trade of promoting a cause or belief.
That one is best defined as telling lies in the service of the indefensible or better still, knowing where the key to the executive toilet is but not even letting on that the place exists.
Public transport
A transport system owned and run by a government or local authority.
A utopian dream, or mostly under funded transport. A reason to stand out in the rain for half an hour at a time and be splashed by privately owned cars.
Publisher
’s rejection slips Brief notes from a publisher telling an author that s/he is not good enough. Wallpaper by instalments.Pun
A humorous play on words.
A convenient accident concerning words, if you are a creative writer.
