S
Safer sex
The practice of protection from sexually transmitted diseases.
In general a very good idea, but one which has recently become the subject of a growth industry. What it amounts to is the use of condoms by people who are not rubber fetishists. See also sex.
Salesperson
A worker in the retail industry.
Either a man who sells junk to other men, or a woman who can not find employment as a professional killer, sewage cleaner or even a character in a role play game.
Satire
A particularly vicious form of comedy aimed mostly at politicians and the establishment.
Within the establishment it is held that to be the target of satire is a proof of political credibility, which makes it a kind of sadism practised by cleaver comics, but still a dangerous occupation in countries ruled by those of a religious inclination.
Science fiction
A fantasy genre which is concerned more with weird situations than with unusual science.
A literary genre which is often weak on both science and fiction, or a style of writing by those who believe that in the future all women will wear one piece lurex costumes and/or leather skirts.
Scientists
Those who study natural phenomena.
They seem to fall into two distinct categories. When they are unnamed they are suspected of being journalists who have made it up. When they are named they will be people who pretend not to believe in fiction. In the unlikely event of the named scientist being a woman then it is unlikely that she will be found wearing a one piece lurex costume or a leather skirt, much as the tabloid press would like her to.
Second home
Not the primary residence of an individual or family.
Oh come on now, given that so many people in the world don’t even have a decent first home then isn’t this an example of greed, and very conspicuous greed at that. You can’t live in two homes simultaneously so the second one, the one which stands empty, is just a way of raising two fingers to the rest of us.
Second World War
, The A war which took place between 1939 and 1945. An unparalleled opportunity for technological advance at the cost of only a few million lives, or a conflict in which Belgium was the looser for the second time in fifty years. See also First World War.Secret service
The branch of the government concerned with spying.
When things are going right then they are a group of civil servants, sometimes armed, who are dedicated to feeding the more lurid imagination of the general public. When things are going wrong they represent a stratagem for avoiding acute embarrassment.
Self
The individual, as understood by the individual.
Begin with the idea that the ‘self’ is the cornerstone of all bigotry, or a reason for using personal deodorants. Go on to the probability that self is probably the most misunderstood person in the world.
Self awareness
A supposed understanding of oneself.
A confusion imported from America, or even an explanation for anti social behaviour, but always the recognition of the need for personal deodorants.
Self confidence
A strong belief in oneself .
A delusion that one has the right to one’s money back.
Self criticism
A supposedly objective examination of oneself and one’s actions. More like a pre-emptive strike or the avoidance of self honesty.Self discipline
The ability to control ones actions.
Now that could be something like taking a cold shower in the middle of winter and not thinking of yourself as a masochist, or it could be keeping the cork after it has been pulled from the bottle, but mostly it would be allowing the state to delegate its responsibilities for imposing discipline on we mere mortals.
Self education
A situation in which one teaches oneself.
Now that would be the subversive re- evaluation of information, opinion and belief. Or perhaps it would just be not having a television set and not wanting a television set.
Self regulation
Rules which are not imposed by government or the judiciary.
Here we are looking at the right of those with strong political connections to act in any way they please, or we are looking at a failed attempt to ensure a continuous water supply in one of the wettest countries in Europe.
Self sufficiency
Not being dependant on anyone else.
A fear of accepting gifts from other people, finding 101 uses for shit, not wearing jeans because you can not grow the cotton in your own back yard.
Sense of humour
The ability to appreciate a joke.
That which is said to be lacked by people who get hurt but that which is certainly lacked by people who hurt others. Something which God must have had all along.
Sex
Either another word for gender or for pushing parts of yourself into parts of another person.
An acceptable reason for entering most relationships other than marriage, or an acceptable alternative to listening to good music, or even an attempt to justify the design faults inherent in the human body. The one thing that is certain is that it is something which is no longer, and probably never was, safe. See also safer sex.
Sexuality
The chosen sexual orientation of an individual.
It is the condition which makes it possible to understand erotic art. It is also the aspirations, predilections and general condition of everyone, apart from heterosexuals of course, who never think about these things, they being normal.
Share
Distribute.
(1) A single unit of the assets of a company.
(2) Own or use jointly.
According to the propaganda of those who believe in monopoly capitalism shares in companies are bought by little old ladies and retired vicars, they being two groups who occupy a moral high ground. That is rubbish. Shares in companies are bought by other companies in a competition to see who can buy the other out before being bought out themselves. It has nothing to do with common ownership but everything to do with power and control, and they call this an efficient system of distribution. See also investment, stock market.
Short story
A work of fiction which is neither a novel or a novella.
Surprisingly, in a world which places more value on quantity than it does on quality, this can often be an accolade. The short story is the logical length for a novel when the writer does not need to earn a living. It is a middle, with literary aspirations, when there is no need for a beginning or an end.
Short term memory
The ability to recall recent events more clearly than distant ones.
The loss of short term memory almost always leads to long term embarrassment. Short term memory is that which all children hope that all adults lack.
Silent majority
That section of the population which does not voice it’s political opinions.
An invention of the American political establishment, of course, but what in fact they are talking about is an inarticulate and uninformed majority. And one wonders, who is deluding whom?
Simple
Not complex.
The discipline of simplicity is in fact a highly complex doctrine designed to confuse those of a simple outlook. In the religious context it is also the doctrine which requires the most lavish trappings for its observance.
Sin
An offence against the laws of God.
It begins with the realisation of personal fantasy. In the absence of anything else it becomes something for the Church to be against but when it is ‘original’ then it is something God probably didn’t indulge in before the birth of Her Only Begotten Child.
Single bed
A narrow bed capable of accommodating only one person.
An artefact which guarantees a good night’s sleep.
Sincere apology
An apology which has been made honestly, and without reservation.
it can either be a serious loss of face couched in the form of a lie or an alternative to paying damages.
Sitting on the fence
Not holding any position in an argument.
An activity which causes great discomfort in the lower regions of the body and general numbness in the brain. Or then again, it could just be not wanting to throw something at a politician for fear of loosing balance and falling off.
Sitcom
An abbreviation for situation comedy.
A television comedy series which uses the same characters, settings, and sometimes even the same jokes. A chance for those without a sense of humour to pretend that they do have one.
Sleeping like a baby
Undisturbed sleep.
Waking up with wet sheets.
Soap opera
Originally, a television or radio drama series sponsored by a soap company.
A sitcom with traumas rather than jokes, but even that depends on your sense of humour. A type of drama in which a few people, living in a small geographical area, encounter the whole gamut of human experience. Or even a type of drama in which everyone gets the chance to marry everyone else at least once, and maybe even murder everyone else, but only the once. And finally; a source of news for tabloid newspapers when they want to give their poor little readers something they can relate to and feel involved in.
Sobriety
The condition of not being inebriated.
The day before payday, or something which can only be appreciated by those who have been truly drunk.
Social security
An attempt by governments to care for all it’s members.
Society, as an entity, likes to feel that it is responsible for it’s weaker members. Whether or not you think this is right depends on how strong you feel, or how much cash you have in your pocket on a Friday. If you have no cash in your pocket on a Friday, or any other day of the week, then you become dependant on Social Security, that Government department charged with helping the least privileged members of society. Those who have never had recourse to it will say that it pays too much and costs too much while those for whom it is the sole source of income are left wondering about the meaning of the ‘Q’ words, like quality and quantity. As for those who staff the organisation, for them it is a career structure when they can not find, or do not want, work as professional killers or sewage cleaners.
Social worker
A professional who helps those who have been judged inadequate.
In this instance we have a modern scapegoat who is in the wrong if s/he acts according to her/his conscience and in the wrong if s/he acts according to society’s dictates. Such a pity when, in most instances we have a man who proves that he is wrong by wearing leather patches on his elbows or a woman who proves that she is wrong by wearing Laura Ashley dresses in to work.
Society
A generic term for people as a whole.
Any group of people which stands ready to reject others. A select group which creates a moral code in it’s own image, then assumes the right to punish those who deviate from the code, in the name of those who are enslaved by it.
Spelling mistake
The putting of letters in the wrong order.
The word which is always seen when people can not see what you have written. When it becomes an obsession, a device to protect the inarticulate from their inadequacies.
Sound bite
A few succinct words chosen for broadcasting.
When judged by length it is a good indication of the extent of a politician’s personal intelligence, or an insult to the intelligence of the listener. See also statistics.
Sport
Organised competitive activity.
Any activity where the spectators lack the ability to participate, or a means of dividing people who might otherwise be united.
Stamp collector
One who collects postal payment vouchers.
Someone who lacks the imagination to interesting ideas, or even someone who has yet to find out what his right hand is for.
Standards
(1) A basis for comparison.
(2) Apparently another name for flags.
In public life standards are a smoke screen for immoral behaviour. In education they refer to the under funding of inner city schools.
Standing on ceremony
Insisting on adherence to meaningless rituals.
Similar to standing on the floor, but with much less certainty. Examples would be; insisting that it is wrong for a man to leave his flies open, or for a woman to admit that she is not wearing knickers when everyone knows the truth anyway.
Statistics
The science of counting things.
The language of the politician when he is speaking in sound bites. Statistics always show that we are twenty percent better of than the last time the question was asked but not that fifty one percent of the population are women while only ten percent of the politicians are. Statistics are the transmutation of fiction from words into numbers.
Stock market
A place where stocks and shares are traded.
As an institution the English Stock market is a large building in London where people wear red braces. As an entertainment it is a game for the rich and brain dead which involves putting real people out of work. See also investment, share.
Street cred
The apparent ability to survive on the streets without breaching any of the fashion codes.
A skill, acquired mostly by young people, of swearing in places where their parents can not hear them. Or it may be conveniently forgetting that your father also wore jeans. Or even; fascism in day glow colours.
Style
The consistent manner of a thing.
Another name for fashion, but covering more than just the clothes you wear, more to do with the attitude of the people who designed the clothes you wear, fascism in pastel shades in other words. It also has something to do with not wearing red braces when you are putting other people out of work.
Suicide
The taking of one’s own life.
Some call it self murder, or a contradiction wherein the disturbed mind faces up to reality, or maybe even freedom of choice. In fact it’s the only option left for people who have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for too long, the condition of not understanding the condition. It’s the banana skin of life. It’s a recognition, couched in terms of actions, of the probability that nothing will happen and that’s why I love it.
Sunday
The first day of the week in the Christian calendar.
Like closeness to death, a time to reflect on a wasted life.
Superiority
A sense of being better than something, or someone.
An unstable pinnacle from which to view the rest of the world.
Supermarket
A large shop, mostly selling food.
The temple of the new religion where the acolytes are all called Tracy and a virgin birth would probably not warrant a day’s sick leave.
Supermodel
A highly paid mannequin Some people pay to have their photographs taken and others are paid.
The supermodel goes one step better, she is paid for wearing clothes that no one else can afford.
Surf
(1) Large waves which crash on the beach.
(2) Using the Internet.
Surfing the net is a term which would have had no meaning ten years ago, now it means great ideas which crash on the computer.
Sustainable growth
Economic development which, supposedly, does no damage to the ecology or the future of the planet.
Forests which are grown exclusively for the use of paper manufacturers, who then sell their product to junk male advertisers or the owners of tabloid newspapers, who in turn consume reams of paper advertising the fact that they are involved in the cycle of sustainable growth.
Sympathy
A feeling of regret on behalf of another person.
Feeling sorry for the survivors rather than the person who committed suicide. The ability to be glad that the banana skin was not in your path, and not feel guilty about it, and not show your feelings to the person who did slip on it.
